


114

by j_louise



Category: Harry Potter and the Cursed Child - Thorne & Rowling
Genre: Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Intrusive Thoughts, M/M, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Pre-Relationship, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-23
Updated: 2017-07-23
Packaged: 2018-12-06 02:19:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11590917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/j_louise/pseuds/j_louise
Summary: After returning from the world where the Death Eaters ruled, Scorpius can't help but be scared of the darkness inside him. The fear of losing control takes over his life, Albus doesn't know what to do, and someone Scorpius admires very much helps him realise he's not alone.WARNING: OCD (specifically Harm OCD), Intrusive Thoughts, brief mention of self harm.





	114

The problem, Scorpius thought, was that he’d always known that he was an inherently bad person on some level. Or if he hadn’t known it, he’d at least been fearful of it. The world believed he was the child of the darkest wizard ever to live, and his birth had basically caused the death of his own mother. Throughout his life, Scorpius had hoped that there was a possibility that these things weren’t his fault. That maybe the rumours were just rumours, and that his mother would have gotten sick anyway. However, after everything he had seen in the other world, where Voldermort ruled, he now knew that he truly had the capability of being a bad person. And that absolutely terrified him. After going to that other world and discovering the darkness he must have somewhere deep inside him, Scorpius found that he now walked through his life wondering when the moment would come that he would finally snap. That, before he knew it, he would hurt someone.

This horrifying image was, yet again, all he could think about as he sprinted his way up the stairs to the Slytherin dormitory, his stomach twisting with nausea. Wrenching open his trunk, he shoved his wand under a large pile of books so that it would be difficult to reach quickly, before heading over to his bed, sitting on his hands, and beginning to count. So long as he could make it to 50, he thought, he’d give himself enough time to calm down and not do anything stupid. 

He’d only made it to 45 when Albus burst into the dormitory. 

“Scorpius? What’s wrong? Are you okay?” Albus panicked, making his way over to him. 

Scorpius squeezed his eyes shut tightly, counting the last five numbers carefully, before finally acknowledging Albus. 

“Yeah. Yes, everything’s fine. Just felt a bit sick. Too many fizzing whizzbees, I suppose.” he laughed weakly, fully aware that his breathing was coming just a little too fast. 

Albus looked at him in concern, before sighing. “Scorpius,” he said, his voice soft. “If you don’t want people discussing, you know, dark magic - death eaters - that sort of thing, around you... you can just ask. After everything you saw last year no one’s going to blame you for not wanting to talk about it.” 

Scorpius swallowed thickly. He’d told Albus the general gist about the world he’d seen, however he hadn’t told him the role he’d played specifically and he honestly wanted to keep it that way. If Albus found out what a bad person Scorpius had the potential to be, he’d have to go through losing his best friend again, and he wasn’t sure he had the strength to do that a second time. No, he’d have to act like it wasn’t a big deal, like he was completely fine and normal like everyone else. 

“No, it’s fine, really. I mean, it’s not the best topic of conversation but it’s okay. I honestly just felt a bit sick. I’m fine now, though.” he tried for a smile. 

Albus frowned, reaching out to place a hand on Scorpius’ shoulder. “If you’re sure?”  
Scorpius nodded.

“Alright.” Albus said, standing up. “How do you feel about going back down to the common room and losing to me at a game of Wizard’s Chess?” 

Scorpius stood with him, grateful for the distraction. “You’re on.” 

At least, Scorpius thought, if he was was distracted there was less chance of dark thoughts popping into his head. 

Things continued like this for Scorpius with, seemingly, no prospect of getting better.The thought that he might one day hurt someone had moved from the back of his mind to being something he was constantly terrified of. It didn’t matter that he really didn’t want to hurt anyone, it was more the idea that he could. What if he lost control and these evil thoughts took over and...and then, before he could think anymore about it, he would start counting. The counting seemed to be the only thing that helped. It started with just counting long enough to be sure he wouldn’t act on whatever horrible thought had just popped into his head, and then it just became counting everything. Counting his steps, counting the letters on a page, counting the seconds it took to get dressed. At least when he was focusing on counting, he wasn’t thinking about the darkness in his brain. Toward the end of fourth year, he’d taken to scratching roman numerals into his wand as he counted. The more he felt his wand fighting against him, the worst he felt the magic inside him sting, the harder he pressed into the wood. At least if he was hurting himself he wasn’t hurting anyone else. At least he was damaging the instrument that would enable him to hurt other people, he thought, as he stared down at his mangled wand in disgust. 

The worst part was the sad, scared looks Albus would send him sometimes when Scorpius would withdraw from the world around him, lost in his thoughts, counting in his head. Scorpius almost wanted to tell Albus to stay away from him, to tell him he deserved to be safe and he couldn’t possibly be safe when he was around Scorpius, but he could never quite make himself do it. He knew he was being selfish, but he couldn’t lose Albus again. He couldn’t. So he tried to act like everything was fine and tell himself repeatedly that he would never, ever, ever let anything happen to Albus. 

His feelings continued on into the summer holidays, and when he received an invitation from Albus to stay with him for a week he couldn’t help but feel nervous. He was excited to see him, of course, but the ever present worry of losing control invaded Scorpius’ thoughts. He couldn’t help but cringe with guilt and avoid Albus’ dad’s eyes as he stepped out of the fireplace, brushing ash off his robes. If he knew the kind of person Scorpius really was, he doubted Mr Potter would let him anywhere near his son again, let alone into his house. Scorpius realised with a sinking feeling that he was right to have kept them apart in the other world. Of course he was right - he’s Harry Potter, he know’s what he’s doing. 

Scorpius managed to make it through the first day without too much trouble, but still breathed a sigh of relief as he curled up the camp bed on the floor of Albus’ bedroom at the day. He couldn’t hurt anyone while he was asleep. He began to count, eyes slipping shut, and managing to reach 114 before falling asleep. 

This sleep, however, was not quite as peaceful as he’d hoped. It was a sleep in which he saw his dad writhing in pain in front of him. He tried to run over to him to see what was wrong but he found he couldn’t move. Panicked, he glanced down at his body to see his own wand pointing at his dad. “No,” thought Scorpius. “No, no, please no.” His body out of his control, he turned around to point his wand at Albus, who was crouched on the floor looking up at him fearfully. No matter how much he begged his body to stop, he couldn’t stop his mouth from opening and shouting a cold “Crucio", Albus’ subsequent scream ringing in his ears. 

And then he was awake, and the scream was his and he was sweating and sobbing.

“Scorpius?” Albus gasped, scrambling out of his bed and grabbing Scorpius’ shoulder. “Scorpius, what’s wrong?” 

“Don’t!” Scorpius sobbed raggedly, pushing Albus away from him. “Please, I’m sorry, I don’t- I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” he muttered repeatedly, feeling even worse at the hurt that flashed across Albus’ face. 

Suddenly, Albus’ bedroom door opened and his dad’s sleepy face appeared. Scorpius felt his stomach fall with dread and guilty. 

“Boys? What’s going on?” Harry frowned and walked slowly towards Scorpius, stopping abruptly when the boy inhaled shakily and shuffled away from Harry to the edge of the camp bed. 

“I don’t know.” Albus answered him quickly. “We were asleep and then Scorp was just shouting and...I don’t know.

Harry nodded, before kneeling next to Scorpius’ camp bed. “Scorpius?” he said gently. “I need you to breathe, okay? You’re safe. You’re safe here.” 

Scorpius let out another loud sob at that, shaking his head. It wasn’t his safety he was concerned about. Even so, he tried to slow his breathing as much as possible even though his heart was still racing. 

“It’s not...not me. It’s not me you should worry about.” he whispered shakily, glancing up at Albus before looking away guiltily, fingernails digging into his arms. What must he think of him now, he must know that there’s something wrong with him, what if- 

His thoughts were interrupted by Harry’s voice cutting through them. “Scorpius, why do you think I need to worry about Albus?” His voice wasn’t accusatory like Scorpius had expected but soft and gently. Somehow, this managed to draw an answer out of him. 

“I’m not- not safe, I’m not a good person, he needs to be safe, I can’t-” he babbled, pressing a shaking hand against his face. The events of the dream were still rushing through his brain and he couldn’t stop thinking about them. He knew being honest was probably going to ruin everything but he couldn’t stop the words from flowing out of him. 

There was silence again before Harry sighed, sitting down properly on the floor next to Scorpius, and said “I know how it feels to be scared you’re going to hurt those you love.” 

Scorpius’ head shot up in shock, searching Harry’s face for any sign of judgement or dishonesty. 

“I used to think, after everything that had happened to me that there was something bad inside me. That I was going to become a bad person and do things to hurt people. The fear that I was going to lose control...it was terrifying.” Harry admitted quietly.

Scorpius couldn’t believe his ears. That was exactly how he felt. He couldn’t believe the great saviour Harry Potter had felt exactly as low as he was at that moment. 

“But, then my godfather told me something and I need you to pay attention to this, Scorpius. He told me that ‘We've all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on’. I’ve never forgotten that. It doesn’t matter what goes on in our heads - it’s our actions that count. And you don’t seem like a bad person to me, Scorpius. On the contrary, I think you are a very good person.” Harry said, his tone surprisingly earnest on Scorpius’ ears. 

“But in the other world... I wasn’t good.” Scorpius admitted, staring at the ground again. “I’d done awful things. I have the potential to be really, really terrible.” 

“Don’t we all.” Harry chuckled slightly. “That’s the point. Everyone has the potential to be anything. That was a different version of you - a version that had grown up surrounded by pain, and fear. This version of you is different because you aren’t fighting to survive in a cruel world every day. You have control over what you do in life, I promise you, even if sometimes it doesn’t feel like it.” 

Scorpius nodded slightly. Even though the guilt was still sitting heavily in the bottom of his stomach, he had to admit it was helpful. To hear he had a choice. To hear The Boy Who Lived - someone who’d done so much good in the world - saying he’d felt the same way was an immensely comforting thing. 

Harry laid a gently hand on Scorpius shoulder, before standing and making his way over to the door. “If you ever need to talk, you know where to find me. You don’t have to be afraid.” he told him, before exiting and shutting the door gently behind him.

There was a moment where the room was only filled by Scorpius’ embarrassed sniffling, and then Albus threw himself on the ground next to Scorpius, flinging his arms around him in a tight hug. 

“Albus!” Scorpius exclaimed in surprise. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Albus asked sadly, muffled slightly by Scorpius’ shoulder. 

“I didn’t want you to be scared.” Scorpius admitted, still feeling shocked that Albus hadn’t gone running a mile in the other direction yet. 

Albus pulled back suddenly, grasping Scorpius’ shoulders and looking into his eyes. “I couldn’t possibly be scared of you, Scorpius. I’ve already told you that I think you’re kind and good - and I wasn’t just trying to be nice, I meant it. I know you, and you have so much good inside you, and you will never have to deal with this alone again.” 

Scorpius couldn’t help but feel like he wanted to burst into tears again but, before he got chance to, he was being dragged up and into Albus’ bed. He didn’t make a sound as Albus tugged the covers up over both of them and slung an arm over Scorpius’ waist, pressing their foreheads together. As Scorpius shut his eyes he found, for the first time in months, the feeling of hope in his chest. Maybe not much, maybe just an apple pip sized glimmer of hope, but hope nonetheless. Albus had never had the best judgement, but maybe his belief in Scorpius would be enough to get him through this. Maybe, if Albus trusted him, he might finally be able to find the strength to trust himself. This thought was enough that Scorpius felt the fear in his chest start to sink away and, for the first time in months, he fell asleep without counting.

**Author's Note:**

> So, this was very, very difficult for me to write but it was something that had been in my head for a very long time and I had to get it out. I got this idea from the scene in the dormitory where Scorpius tells Albus about the Death Eater universe - a lot of what he said sounded very familiar to me. Hopefully I was able to portray these feelings accurately. Thank you so much for reading, I'd love to hear feedback.
> 
> Remember, your thoughts aren't reality, and you always have a choice! Take care of yourselves.


End file.
